Are you a good listener in a conflict situation or do you become a boxer? Sorry - I couldn’t resist the fun play of words and the image.

Being a good listener when in conflict is one of the key elements of having win-win conversations. Thankfully, there are things you can do to be a good listener and develop a winning communication style.

One of the most productive things you can do is help the other person trust your intentions - that you are there to understand their thoughts, feelings and needs. Another thing a good listener does is stay away from judging anyone, laying blame or letting your triggers (strong emotions), get the best of you.

Once you have their trust, gathering facts about what happened and why will be much more fruitful. But, this is still not as easy as it sounds. To help you to focus on what your speaker is saying and have productive conversations, I recommend the following step-by-step process:

Have a plan. Have an idea what success may look like for you and the other person (realizing you both see the world in very different ways.
Pause. Take a moment to reflect and confirm this is the right thing to do.
Turn off your smartphone / computer.
Breathe calmly. It’s easy for us to stop breathing during a difficult conversation.
Notice what is going on for you - and for them. Also notice your surroundings and distractions that may negatively impact the conversation.
Show interest. “I have something important I’d like to share and I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts.”
Don’t interrupt them when they are speaking:
- If you have ideas and/or questions… make a note of them.
Stay focused on what they are saying:
- Don’t judge or assume
- Manage your Triggers
- Don’t think about what you will say
Respond to what they are doing, saying, feeling, needing and believing… but never React.
Validate what you think they said / feel / need / believe: “What I’m hearing you say is you feel members of the team interpret our corporate values inconsistently.”
Give them space / encouragement to correct what you said in step #10 by pausing and letting them respond.
Check in to see if there is more: “This is helpful. Are there other challenges that are impacting communication, our corporate values or quality?”
If they have more information or challenges to share, go back to step #7 to encourage them.
Thank the other person or people for their contribution

This step-by-step process has many benefits to help you be a great listener. The most obvious is that encourages the other person do most of the talking which helps you build trust and understanding; people will trust you less if you do most of the talking. Having the other person do most of the talking is also beneficial because it may be the first time they’ve spoken aloud about the situation. Speaking aloud may help them gain more understanding and take some responsibility. They may even begin resolving the conflict themselves.

Conclusion:

Becoming a good listener isn’t easy. It doesn’t mean sitting quietly until the other person stops talking, and being a good listener also doesn’t mean agreeing with what they are saying. In fact I would warn you against agreeing to much because later in the day they may subconsciously apply your agreement to the whole conversation. Recap: Understanding is good, agreeing is not.

One last thing; be careful if you find yourself giving advice, sharing your opinion or making suggestions. If you do (or even want to), it is a sign you are not listening.

BONUS: What Are Triggers?

A trigger is any positive or negative event that evokes a deep emotional response. One of the greatest challenges when participating in a difficult conversation is to manage your triggers and try to predict (and avoid), the triggers of the other peoples involved. When negatively triggered we may feel:

Overwhelmed
Angry
Frustrated
Disappointed
Embarrassed

BONUS: Effective Open Ended Questions

“Can you tell me more about that?”
“What happened next?”
“How did you feel?”
“That’s interesting, can you help me better understand by explaining that further?”
“What is it like to do that?”
“Please… tell me more” (not a question… but effective.
“How can we measure that?”
“What does that mean?”
“What are your expectations?”
“How does that process work when… [there are two versus three people]?”
“What procedures did you use to determine the customers needs?

Thank you for reading my article about why listening is important and how to listen well.

Bruce

About Bruce and Bruce Mayhew Consulting.

Corporate trainer Bruce Mayhew (of BMC) delivers customized Difficult Conversation training in Toronto and across Canada. We specialize in Leadership, Communication and other soft skills training solutions.

BMC helps your greatest assets think productive and be productive.

Bruce is an experienced motivational speaker in Toronto and has inspired audiences across Canada and within the USA and the UK. Bruce works hard to always make sure your training event, conference, retreat, or annual general meeting is a success.

It takes effort and energy to listen well and pay attention to other people. Our minds naturally begin to interpret what other people are saying and apply it to our own experiences and knowledge. That ‘association’ is one of the ways you and I form memories and gain understanding. But we have to remember that a little goes a long way and that letting our mind play this association game is not always appropriate… especially if our existing memories hijack our attention.

When we try to listen to someone you and I often fall into one of two traps:

As above, I begin associate your experience to a similar experience I’ve had, and so my mind interrupts your story and hijacks my attention.
I’ve heard your experience before and believe I know what you are going to say or what you need. Because of this I interrupt you and stop you from telling your story. This is especially true if we are in any type of customer service type industry where we try to skip directly to the solution.

Of course both of these examples are bad. When we interrupt someone we almost always do more harm than good. If we don’t listen and our goal becomes to share our story or to prove how much experience we have, the other person may no longer trust us. This lack of trust could have a very serious negative impact. Instead, we have to do our best to set aside our own needs and our own experiences… and show that we are both listening and respecting them.

Here are some guidelines to follow when trying to learn to listen better:

Everyone you meet will know something you don’t know, consider this an exciting opportunity. Be patient and be curious.
Listen to understand… not to respond. Set your own ideas and experiences aside. If you are listening, remember you are trying to learn and understand. If you want to keep track of ideas you have or questions you want to ask, keep a pad of paper with you (not an iPad that may ding or light up from an incoming message), and write down 2 words that will remind you what you wanted to say after they are finished talking.
Truly care for the other person and what they are thinking, what they did and/or how they felt. Use into your empathy; imagine what it was like to be them… and be curious about that experience, but don’t get lost in your own mind.
To be a respectful listener and dig deeper by asking open ended questions. This means start your questions with words like ‘How’, ‘What’, ‘Where’, ‘Why’ or ‘How’. For example, “How did you feel?” and “What did you do next?” Do not use questions like “Were you happy?” and “Did you go?”
Listen with your eyes, ears, needs and feelings. Listen for what they are saying… and what they are not saying.
Similar to #2, if you have experienced something similar as what they are describing, put your experience aside. For now, you are trying to help them feel confident that you understand their experience. Far too many times we try to compare our experiences with theirs.

If you listen to them they will be more likely to listen to you. And, as I suggested above, beyond learning, listening is one of the greatest ways that other people will trust that you:

Care about them and their experiences
Understand them and their experiences

When people trust you they will be more likely to:

Be patient with you
Compromise – now or sometime later
Help you – now or sometime later

Conclusion:

When you are with other people talk as little as possible. Remember, if we are speaking we are not listening or learning.

These lessons are doubly important if you are in the position of having difficult conversations. During those times, letting the other person feel that they have been heard and understand will go a long way to helping you resolve the situation in a respectful, thoughtful, collaborative way.

Thank you for reading my article about why listening is important and how to listen well.

Bruce

About Bruce and Bruce Mayhew Consulting.

Corporate trainer Bruce Mayhew (of BMC) delivers customized Email Etiquette training in Toronto and across Canada. We specialize in Leadership, Communication and other soft skills training solutions.

BMC helps your greatest assets think productive and be productive.

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When In Conflict, Be A Good Listener: A Step-by-Step Approach

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